What is love language?

Gary Chapman’s book love language has become very popular, especially among relationship coaches and counselors.

Every relationship coach and counselor has almost not taught anything if they have not mentioned the concept of love languages.

But I wouldn’t be surprised if many people don’t even know what this widely discussed concept means.

So, what is love language?

Simply put, your love language is the way you like to be loved.

It is called language because when someone expresses love to you that way, you quickly understand it to be love.

It’s just like the concept of languages.

Your mother tongue is your primary love language.

You may be fluent in other languages in the world, but nothing sits well in your brain more than the language you were born into.

And because people understand love more in their language, the concept of love language seeks to encourage lovers to show themselves love more in each other’s primary love language so as to communicate their feelings towards their partners better and to satisfy their partners’ needs effectively.

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

Understanding Love Languages

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

Gary Chapman’s book The Five Languages of Love inspired the concept of love language.

And it has become a widely used concept in the expression of love.

The 5 languages of love include:

1. Words of Affirmation: If your love language is words of affirmation, it means that you appreciate a lot of reassurance, affirmations, and words of encouragement in your relationship.

2. Acts of Service: People who have acts of service as their love language are people who love to receive kind acts of love above every other expression of love.

3. Receiving Gifts: For others, it is gifting above all else.

Give them gifts – small or big.

4. Quality Time: These are the people who just enjoy spending time with their partners.

Even when there is no conversation going on, they draw peace by just being in their lover’s presence.

5. Physical Touch: This last love language is spoken by people who really appreciate physical intimacy.

Hugs, holding of hands, kisses, massages, etc.

Steps to Discover Your Love Language

1. Reflect on What Makes You Feel Loved

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

Think about those moments when someone did something that made you feel genuinely loved and appreciated.

What did they do?

What were the circumstances?

If you keep a journal, you can actually use your journal to track these things.

Check your journal for events that made you feel really loved.

Which one really stood out for you?

What happened?

Were you receiving kind words, being treated to a gift, or spending quality time with your lover?

How did it make you feel?

You can also ask yourself questions if you do not have a journal.

“When do I feel most valued?”

“What actions make me feel cared for?”

As soon as you’re able to answer these questions sincerely, you can easily decide what your love language is.

2. Assess Your Current Self-Care Practices

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

After you have discovered your primary love language, you need to know how well it applies to your self-care practices.

What is your daily routine like?

What do you enjoy doing the most when you want to make yourself feel loved?

Do you enjoy pampering yourself with a spa day (physical touch)?

Or do you feel happiest when you set aside time to read a good book (quality time)?

So far, what activities in your self-care routine make you feel really good about yourself?

I mean those ones that will be your first go-to if you want to really do something for yourself?

What activities do you do more as a routine than as something you enjoy?

You can also discover your love language through your self-care routine.

Create a scale of your routines – from the ones you really enjoy to the ones you have little regard for.

3. Take a Love Language Quiz

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

This is another way to determine your love language.

Take a love language quiz.

These quizzes are available online, or you can have someone around you to ask you the quiz questions.

It will also help you with creating the scale.

These quizzes often contain questions about your preferences and feelings in different situations and circumstances.

Answering those questions can

From there, you can easily decide what your love language is.

4. Experiment with Different Practices

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

You can also conduct your own personal experiment.

Set a time frame to observe your behaviors.

During that time, you can practice self-love, and you should also take note of how you respond to different love gestures by people around you.

You can also make it easier by dedicating a particular time (say 3 days to a week) to each of the love languages.

So, during the period when you’re focused on physical touch, you pay attention to all the physical affection you receive and how you respond to it.

By the time you’re done for the season, you can revisit your experiment book to find out which love language aligned more with you.

You should be careful to approach each language with an open mind and do your records sincerely.

5. Seek Feedback from Loved Ones

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

Everyone needs someone in their lives who truly loves them and knows them.

It could be members of their families or a friend.

If they truly know you, they may be very helpful in your journey to finding your love language.

So, ask them how they have seen you respond to different love situations and what they think might be your love language.

Yes, I know your love language is a personal thing.

But their observations may be the guiding light you need to discover yourself.

So when you ask them, remember that their response is not the final answer.

You still need to take it through your own knowledge of yourself to be sure they are correct.

If there is anyone who has been with you for quite a number of years, ask if they think your love language has evolved over time.

That can also be another factor.

6. Be Patient with Yourself

6 Ways Find Your Love Language

Some people hear about having a love language today and want to find theirs the next day.

That’s not how it goes.

You must give yourself time, and grace.

Because discovering your love language is a journey, not a destination.

So it is okay if it takes time to figure out what works best for you.

I mean, every love language does feel good to us, but if you are looking for your primary love language, you may need to try over and over again to be sure that this is really it.

And you should know that if you are trying something, chances are you may make a mistake once or twice.

You may grab one and feel like it is your primary love language today, and then tomorrow, you feel like you made a mistake.

Don’t beat yourself up.

Stay patient through the process.

You’re a human; hence, your preferences and feelings can evolve and change.


Discovering and embracing your love language is a journey that can significantly enhance your well-being.

Knowing your love language helps you know how to balance your love language.

I should mention that your primary love language is the way you will mostly express love.

So you begin to feel like your partner does not love you enough because they are not reciprocating the energy.

And they are feeling the same way because you are not loving them the way they want to be loved.

But when you have a good grasp of your love language, you can communicate with your partner how you want to be loved and love them the way they will appreciate it.

This will enhance your personal life and relationship by a significant amount and improve your chances of having a long-term and productive relationship.

By Idy

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